There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
