what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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