I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
