there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
