I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
well you can't waste a boner
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
