you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
