He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
