I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
