It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
