I'm eating all of the evidence.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
