i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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