i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
