When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
