ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
