...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
