I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
