If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
two words...techno handjob
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
