I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
