Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Semen is not good for contacts.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
