I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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