I can text with my tongue
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
