my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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