also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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