New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I have tasted many bathrooms
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
