I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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