Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
