the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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