they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
