dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
