Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
