Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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