I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
