you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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