My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
