just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
