At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
