I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
