I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i will never coherently bang her
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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