believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
