Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
