I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
