Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
