I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
