just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
