My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
