Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
