tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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