Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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