I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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