Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
