Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
