they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
