seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
