chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
