They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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