Got a toothbrush?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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